Fear, Courage & Cliff Jumping
When I left for Lake Atitlan, Guatemala, I had a job lined up for my return home. First, I would attend a monthlong retreat as the perfect bookend to my 18-month sabbatical. My own Eat, Pray, Love journey to heal my body, nourish my soul, and figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life. The retreat-- my last hurrah. The job-- my snap back to reality. Back to long workdays, computer screens, and orchestrating organizational effectiveness in the name of social impact. It was good work, meaningful work. And I would be good at it. I wanted to want it so badly and yet, I simply did not.
I had convinced myself that I could (should) take this job in the name of financial security and playing it safe. I had taken myself out of the workforce for a year and half, I needed to get “back on track” (though whose track I never quite knew). Then, hours before the final phase of my retreat began-- five days in silence fasting from conversation, information, and solid food—I got a call. “I can’t offer you this job. I can’t ask you to do this…”
Apparently, I had fooled myself, but I wasn’t fooling anyone else. I burst into tears. Sadness? No. Relief? A little. Fear? Yes, fear! The safety net I’d neatly sew into place was suddenly ripped at the seams. Now what?
It had all begun in July 2020; I was a cliché of the ambitious overachiever who had finally burnout. I needed a break so I quit my job and set aside 8-weeks’ expenses. More than enough time to find oneself, I thought. As time closed in on the eighth week, every bone in my body said Not yet. You need more time. Terrified (for my financial state and, God forbid, for not being seen as successful), I listened to my body. I sold my house, took on part-time work, and set the wheels in motion to give myself more time. Three months should do the trick, I said this time.
I spent my three months in Southern Mexico, agonizing every day about “figuring it all out.” I needed to know what I wanted to do so I could get back on track. Then, my three months came to a close. As did another month in Baja. In the summer and fall friends offered me places to stay. Others hired me to support their business or watch their babies. Each time when the imaginary deadline when I had to get back to work loomed, my bills were paid and my belly was full.
I started to relax into the idea that Universe was providing for me. That maybe I didn’t have to rush to figure it out and instead could just fill my days doing things that made me happy.
The problem is, one day in November I did finally figure it all out. It came to me suddenly and clearly: a community center, a place where people in my community could find the type of healing, connection, and spiritual discovery that I had without having to quit their job and travel halfway around the world. I knew this was it. Yet, I couldn’t just go for it. No way! Where would I get the money? How would I max out my IRA this year? How would I stay on track! This is why I had wanted that job. A steady paycheck. Safety and security while I tiptoed toward my dream.
Now here I was overlooking the cliffs of Lake Atitlan, all my plans undone and nothing but time to think about it as I sat in silent meditation for five days. When you sit in silence, there is nothing to distract you from facing the tough stuff. Nothing to validate your bullshit. Nothing to steer you away from the truth.
I had spent 18-months searching for my purpose, trying to understand my highest calling. I had finally found it. I knew it. I felt it. It radiated through every cell in my body. And still I was convinced that money was the obstacle standing between me and personal fulfilment. That was until the third day of silence, when we were given the assignment to reflect on what holds us back in life. During morning meditation, two questions floated across my mind’s eye: What if you were given $1 million tomorrow? What would you do then? I was paralyzed by the proposition, knowing I would still cower.
Suddenly, I realized money wasn’t the obstacle. It was an excuse.
I sat in the pyramid-shaped temple with its candlelight shining, incent smoke floating, and sacred energy pulsating so strongly my whole body hiccupped. I asked the ether, What is holding me back? I took a breath to pause my thoughts so I could really listen when a voice in my head started shouting I’m so scared, I’m so scared, I’m so scared… Louder. Faster. Until I heaved into full-body sobs, tears dripping off my chin. Another deep breath. What am I so scared of? “I’m scared to fail. I’m scared to go broke. I’m scared to disappoint my mom. I’m scared to look silly to my friends. I’m scared that I’m following the wrong idea. I’m scared I won’t be seen as a successful. I’m scared of having to start over again. I’m scared of not living up to my potential. I’m scared of letting down everyone who has believed in me. I’m scared of letting down the whole damn world.” It was never about the money.
I thanked my fear for having the courage to reveal itself. For trying to keep me safe. For trying to protect me from hurt and stress and disappointment and failure. I hear you. I see you. Let me sit with you. Let me hold you. I’ve got you. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum that part of me struggled to express itself and needed to be nurtured. But it did not need to be coddled. I need to overcome my fears.
As luck would have it there was something else that had terrified me since I arrived at Lake Atitlan. Nestled in the nature preserve was a 45-foot cliff overlooking the crisp, green-blue water. Most days, I would situate myself down near the shore where I could dip my toes in and slowly slip into the water, while raucous tourists psyched up one brave member of their group to jump. I felt envy every time I heard the splash followed by cheers of success.
For two more days I sat in meditation with my purpose, my fear, my plan circling in my head. What will I do next? How should I proceed? Until a slow and steady drumbeat began to rise within me. I knew what I had to do. I tried to ignore it, but it grew louder, faster until I thought I would burst. I stormed out of the temple, the drumbeat pounding the earth with each determined step. I walked directly into the nature preserve. A British Bro was pacing back and forth at the cliff’s edge while his friends egged him on. In silence, my dogged eyes darted at him to say, “step aside, sir.”
He moved.
I ran.
I jumped.
Elated, thrilled and proud I opened my eyes expecting to see my toes about to break the surface-- mission accomplished! But time halted as I saw I was still hanging high in the sky. Holy shit! Fear. Terror. Descending now, I felt my body flailing, the wind wiping my legs out from under me. Regret. Consequences. Pencil. Pencil. Pencil! I squeezed my arms and legs tightly together finally crashing into the water…
Unscathed, I came up for a breath so the onlookers could see I was alive then dove back below the surface and let out a primal scream that tore through my vocal cords. Release. As I climbed back up the cliff, I realized that fear never went away. Overcoming it, just meant acting from a place of courage instead. Unable to tell anyone about my feat, I dried off and sat back in the temple for our final ceremony.
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I wish I could say that from that moment I was headstrong on the path toward my purpose. The truth is I spent another month trying to patch up my safety net. Trying to find something, anything, that felt safer than actually going after my dreams. After turning down several job offers the drumbeat began to rise again, reminding me that the fear didn’t have to go away. I just needed to act from a place of courage.
And so, The Center for Peace & Connection is born. Not just a community center, a sacred space for self-healing and inner peace, connection to the world around us, and spiritual discovery.
As the intellectual in me hems and haws over strategy and launch plans, I’m reminded of a passage I read early in my sabbatical:
One of the most negative tricks of the ego is to convince us that we can only begin giving our soul gift when we are no longer afraid or suffering. By that I mean sick, tired, broke, unworthy, unqualified, too busy, consumed by other people’s needs or judgments, unconfident, unsupported, unsure, traumatized and unhealed, or any other method of delay that our small self wishes to deploy.
Another trick of the ego is to tell us that we must have a guarantee of how our divine purpose is going to look, feel, and work out, before we begin it. This is totally false and misleading. It gives the mind the chief executive role in an endeavor that is way out of its league…
Your dreams are the seeds of answers to other people’s prayers... Stop waiting for things to be perfect before you give your love and gifts. The ego’s ideal moment, conditions, partner, finances, body: they are hostages of the illusory future. Your soul purpose is waiting for you to claim it.
- Sophie Bashford, You are A Goddess
I’m still afraid but acting from courage. I don’t know how this is going to work out, but I am beginning, nonetheless. Maybe my dreams are the seeds of answers to your prayers. Maybe The Center is exactly what you have been waiting for. Let’s claim it together. Now.
It’s going to be messy, but it’s going to be beautiful.
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